Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT