Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
nature’s most graceful animal
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I hate when that happens.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
S O O N
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn