Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
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My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
IT’S-A ME,
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can