Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?