Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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felt that
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.