Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Practicing safe sax
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
incredible text to wake up to
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope