@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Great Canadian literature.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
🤣🤣🤣
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?