I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Comparing yourself to others
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Wait for it
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
shit just got real
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.