In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that