[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”