Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
You Might Also Like
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?