Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
i baked you a cake
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know