5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
this FaceApp is creepy af
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away