Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now