Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.