The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Encore…
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.