Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler