ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus