INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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I think I’ll stand
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
This line from Airplane.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.