The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
This kid is going places
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.