waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.