I hope they boil the right one.
You Might Also Like
DOOO EEEET
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog