[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”