The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
😏😏😏
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*