Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
The government even made aliens boring
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.