Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????