When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.