I think I’m having a stroke
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?