Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
how to market bottled water to dads
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.