Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.