They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
You Might Also Like
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers