I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery