I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy