bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter