*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…