Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
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*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
when dads have a rap battle
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.