Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
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a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.