Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right