My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”