“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
S O O N
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT