Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me