Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
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I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.