*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”