Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
very niche meme I made
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift