TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Breaking news:
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges