My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.