“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
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Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?