Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.