I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.