It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Clients after you give them your rates
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.